To many people, apart from the one with it, acne can seem trivial but they will see it as a horrible affliction. Most teenagers get acne at some point and in severe cases it can lead to a negative body image and to depression. However there are steps you can take and there are treatments available to help them.

There are so many old wives tales and myths that your child may have come across. People may have told them or they may have read them online. So the place to begin is with the facts and for you to share them with your child.

So here are a few things that either cause acne or influence it and make it worse:

• Genetics - not that we can do anything about them
• Touching skin - just causes the spread
• Too much scrubbing
• Popping the spots - maybe fun but it’s not good for you.

There are other factors that will impact on general health and skin care. They are:

• Diet - what we put into our bodies has to affect us.
• Stress - the overall issues of our life
• Hair shampoo and oils
• Make up - what we put on our skin gets quickly absorbed.

Proper skin care is a skill that we should teach our children early. face washing using a mild soap twice a day (only twice!) When acne begins to develop but them an over the counter face wash. Of course you may need to experiment until you find the one that works best for you.

If the over the counter fails then don’t hesitate to visit your doctor or a dermatologist. Prescription medicines can be very effective although they can take up to 2 months to take effect so the sooner you act the better. It may cost money but it will make a heap of difference to your child.

Some young people may be embarrassed to talk to their parents about acne so feel free to take the initiative and start early! The first signs are when you should act as the process can be time consuming and the earlier the treatment starts the less serious it is likely to come.

Acne can be difficult for a young person to deal with but it will be a lot easier with your help.

Posted: November 30th, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager.
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Teenagers are social beings and they will often want to invite their friends home as well as go to visit them. They will have a wide range of friendships and it is just a matter of time before you are going to dislike at least one of them. Here are a few thoughts to help you keep things in perspective and to prevent a small issue growing into a big problem.

Your first thing to do is think about why you don’t like the specific person. It could be a case of different personalities clashing - if that’s the reason then I suggest you ignore it. There are many people in the world that we don’t get along with and we need to allow our child to make friends with who they wish. It is part of the journey to adulthood and you don’t have to be friends with everyone they are friends with. As long as they are behaving responsibly then let them be friends - over time you might even get to like them.

Don’t tell your child what you don’t like about their friend - it usually doesn’t help. In fact, often it will bring them closer together rather than push them apart (teenagers can be stubborn you know). It can also put a strain on your relationship with your child - something to avoid for sure.,

If your concern is centred on the friends behaviours then I suggest you focus and comment on your child’s positive behaviours before criticising their friends.

If their friends are getting into trouble then don’t take it out on your kid or automatically assume your kid is going to get into trouble too. It could turn out to be a great learning opportunity. You may need to put some special conditions in place - being supervised, getting home by a certain time, keeping in more regular contact for example, but be careful not to restrict your teen too heavily just because of their friends behaviour.

As you teen gets older they are learning to make their own decisions - including who they have as their friends. The best way to influence their behaviour is to ensure you are one of their friends too!

Posted: November 27th, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

From time to time it is good to assess where we are as a family, and I just want to provide you with a list of 7 areas that would warrant your consideration. Ask yourself, as openly and honestly as you can - how are we travelling as a family in each of these areas. It is also a good idea to think about each individual member and consider what their response might be. If they are ‘of an age’ then you can ask them directly - it will make for a great dinner table discussion [or a series of discussions!]

So - how are you with:

1. Caring - is there a general caring atmosphere in your family? Who cares for the carers?
2. Respect - is there respect both from younger to older as well as older to younger?
3. Flexibility - are you willing to put yourself out for someone else? Are there individuals who seem to be taking advantage of others by expecting them to flex their way but not the other way round?
4. Expressive - are you able to be open with each other, to celebrate the good times and to brainstorm the difficult times?
5. Responsible - does everyone play their part? Or is it the same person leaving laundry on the floor for someone else to pick up? [Just as an example]
6. Initiating - do you have to tell everyone what to do - e.g. emptying the dishwasher - or do they take the initiative?
7. Realistic - does everyone have a realistic view of each other and of the family as a whole? Or are there some expecting the ‘earth’ - e.g. latest gadgets?

The list is not exhaustive and I am willing to accept additional items - it is just designed to be a conversation starter. Enjoy!

Posted: November 24th, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager.
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Many of you will have noticed that young people have developed a skill (or is it an art) of communicating without unnecessary vowels. This trend has been started due to the need to limit the characters in any message to 160 - as set by mobile phone companies.

This has also been carried into the world of Instant Messaging - try your hand at this message and see how you fare:

My smmr hols wr CWOT M8, B4 we used 2go2 LDN 2C my bro, his gf + thr 3 :-0 kids FTF. ILLDN, its a gr8 plc! ATM POS!

I will strategically place a picture here to give you some brain space to think it through without the answer appearing in your line of sight.

So here we go - the full English version:

My summer holidays were a complete waste of time, mate. Before we used to go to London to see my brother, his girlfriend and their three kids face to face. I love London it’s a great place.. At the moment, parent over shoulder.

[The final statement being a caution to their friend to tone down any language and also to let them know the conversation may change a little or slow down]

So - how did you go?

Posted: November 9th, 2007 under Communication, Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

Stacey raises a very valid point that we often overlook:

But I have to tell you, there are a lot of great kids and teenagers out there, too. Children who care about their families, their goals, their grades, their behaviour, their reputation, their community, their work ethic. Kids who are actively creating a balanced, successful and conscientious life for themselves.

There are heaps of teenagers that want to do the right thing but they get swamped by the high maintenance young people who seem to be constantly pushing the boundaries.

Why not, this week, take a concept that I originally heard of in a business management book where Ken Blanchard talked about trying to find people doing something good. Give that a try with your teenagers - actively look for them doing or saying something positive this week, and when you spot it ensure that you comment on it to them. The benefit will be an improved self esteem, a healthier relationship and greater harmony in your home.

All for free! Juts for noticing and commenting on good behaviour rather than our natural ability to spot errors and mistakes - and we rarely fail to comment on those.

Posted: October 25th, 2007 under Communication, Parents.
Comments: none

1 When I was your age ….

Actually it doesn’t matter what you say when you get to that point in the sentence because the young person has already switched off and isn’t listening. In fact, if you have been on the advanced training
course on understanding teenagers, you will be able to read the lcd screen just inside their forehead it will be clearly stating yeah right, whatever.

Seriously though, you probably were never their age well chronologically and numerically you were but when you were their age the world was a totally different place. Research has shown that there are 3 main things missing from society today that were
readily available when I was a teenager and those deficits make the world a different place. [I have written an article about the 3 things]

2. Sticks and stones may break ….

Put another way, don’t worry what other people say to you or say about you because it doesn’t matter. Now I realise that we shouldn’t get our sense of worth from other peoples opinions and if we are being picked on at school or wherever, that we should learn to rise
above it and find coping mechanisms. So, your intention is probably sound it just comes across as ignore them, don’t be so soft, rise above it, or as Australians are fond of saying get over it

3. I will do that for you.

Now I am in trouble with all the teenagers that read this article because that is exactly what they want to hear, but it isn’t good for them. Part of the process of adolescence involves growing up into
responsibilities that previously were undertaken by our parent. Incidentally I blame my mother for not being able to iron, she never taught me now I realise I could learn, but it is easier to learn
when you are younger [well that's my excuse!]

4. For goodness sake, pull yourself together

The teenage years are a time of intense and fluctuating emotions often at the mercy of hormonal change. They may feel from time to time that nobody is in control and that no one understands. If they
feel vulnerable and are in tears the above comment can be read as rejection in a big way. They have not yet achieved a settled identity and part of the emotions is establishing who they are.

5. If you do that one more time Ill …..

OK, I will admit this one can be acceptable but only if you are prepared to actually do what you are threatening them with and can legally carry it out. I am sick of hearing parents in supermarkets
threaten their children with empty threats it generates something in me that wants me to say If I hear you threaten that one more time Ill … Hmm maybe its a natural response but an unacceptable
one nevertheless.

6. When you are older you will understand

Again, this one has truth in it, but it isn’t accepted or understood by the vast majority of young people. In some sense it is an adolescent version of those words we vowed we would never say, but invariably comes out at the end of a list of why questions because I said so. When you are older fits that category in that it doesn’t help the young person understand the argument.

7. Just you wait till Dad gets home

As a Dad this line just sucks. It sets me up as the bad guy in a no win situation and usually results in a request for discipline without adequate information. Either deal with the event as it
happens or tell me about it when I get home just don’t announce that you decided to take the tell me option.

8. You’re Useless
9. If only you were more like your older sister
10. That’s quite good …. For you!
11. You wont manage to do that

These all fall into a similar category, negative words when they should be hearing words of affirmation. Words dependent on their performance when they should be receiving unconditional love.
Affirmation will become the subject of an article on its own in coming month look out for it [and feel free to remind me I said this!]

12. Dads gone away for a few days

In this age of marriage breakdown and parents splitting up it is very difficult to communicate the facts to children, whatever their age. However, lying or pretending are never valid options. As hard
as it will be, it is always better to tell the truth short-term gain for long term pain, or short term pain for long term gain. You know it makes sense!

Posted: October 16th, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager.
Comments: 1

The pressures of society are creating an increase of absent parents. I am not referring to those who are absent through divorced or separation but rather those 2 career families or single parents who are out at work. What can be done when our employment takes us away from the family home for either extended or frequent periods of time. Ultimately we face the choice of changing jobs - but I fully understand that could be a last resort, if it were possible at all. So what can the family do to reduce the stress on the resident teens?

Open communication always works best, so it will be good for you as a family to sit around a table and talk the situation through. Explain the reasoning, the financial implication, the future plans with your son/daughter. They will certainly appreciate you taking them into your confidence and will almost every time respond positively. If, as a family, you recognise it as a difficulty then you will put in the necessary extra effort to make it work.

Keeping your promises is essential. Trust is very difficult to maintain if you frequently say one thing and do another. I (and your teen) will appreciate there are times when things happen - but they should be the exception and not the rule. So, if you are going to be away for 3 days then be home on day 4.

Keeping in contact is so easy - there are no excuses. Depending on your situation I suggest logging onto MSN on your laptop and chatting online, sending a text message to their cell phone, maybe even using a phone to actually speak, or why not be antiquated and post them a card. (If you will be home before the postman delivers it then you could always send it as you go rather than when you arrive - or from time to time write it and leave it in their school bag or under their pillow).

When you are at home - be at home. If you have been away all week then Saturday is not the time to play golf but to spend it with your family. I know, but you also know it’s the best thing. If golf is an absolute essential then why not take the family and teach them how to play?

Occasionally it would be good to make the business trip a family one, or if your child is the right age, take them with you - they will probably think the hotel is great (even though you are probably unimpressed with them and have been for a long time).

Never hurts to bring a present home either - a momento from your trip especially if you go somewhere different, or to bring back a sports item, or photos. Start a family tradition by taking something unique and different (a stuffed animal, a favourite rugby ball (see photo!), a picture, a sculpture or whatever) and take photos with it in unusual places or prominent buildings. A little fun can go a long way. I know someone who stole next doors stone dog that was a door stop and took it on holiday with them and brought it home safe with a photo record of its adventures.

One thing is for sure - if you have to be away then with a little effort you can involve your whole family and reduce the stress and strain.

Posted: October 13th, 2007 under Communication, Parents.
Comments: none

What is your immediate response to conflict? Do you wish it didn’t exist or could be eliminated from life completely? Do you always back off and do nothing in a quest for and a belief in ‘anything for a quiet life’?

So if conflict is inevitable what are some of the keys to dealing with it effectively?

1. Don’t attack the person, rather challenge the behaviour. A young person can cope with you saying they can do better, can turn that C grade into a B grade, that B into an A, but they can’t handle you saying how they’re no good, they’re stupid and they’re a failure. They will begin to believe it for themselves and fall into the classic self-fulfilling prophecies.
2. Stick to the issue that is current. Don’t drag into the argument all the other times when you have felt let down.
3. Remember the power of the tongue. The Bible likens it to the power of a rudder to steer a ship - a small thing but with huge impact. Your words could affect their lives [sounds dramatic but its true]
4. Remember the power of sorry. The silliest statement to come out of Hollywood was, ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry.’ On the contrary, love means always having to say you’re sorry.
5. Recognise the ‘inner lawyer’ who always fights your corner. If you have set down family principles, or if there are group rules before the teenage years, these will be working for you during adolescence.
6. Remember the power of forgiveness. We have all been forgiven at one time or other and know how good it feels to be restored.

Whatever your desires, unfortunately it is not good for you or the teenager to avoid conflict at all costs. You may want the quiet life but you could end up doing more harm than good. The consequences could be more negative and far reaching than dealing with the issue:

• It may stop the relationship from deepening and developing.
• It may stop them from facing problems and dealing with them in an effective way.
• It may allow them to manipulate us through our giving-in.
• It may damage your self-esteem as parents, or just as people.

Finally, experts used to talk in terms of “conflict resolution” - finding an end to conflict. They have changed their vocabulary to “conflict management” recognising that conflict isn’t about to go away so it is better to learn how to manage it and its effects.

Tags: parenting, parenting teenagers, parenting teens, teenagers, teens, troubled teens

Posted: October 10th, 2007 under Communication.
Comments: none

Well it has been a month since this blog got resuscitated and in the process I have learnt a few things I want to share - my blog tips! The initial start of the blog was about a year ago and I couldn’t solve a Feedburner issue which meant I had no idea if people were subscribing or not - so I left it on the back burner. Now, with a new plug in, I know the answer to the question of subscribers and I can watch it grow.

So, the relaunch taught me these things:

• Read, read and read some more on the topic of blogging. Most of the material is available free online [although I did borrow a book from my local library on the topic]. The two best courses that I came across are Kian Ann’s Blogopreneur and Better Business Blogging - go check them out.
• Bite the bullet and, whenever possible, download Wordpress onto your own server. All the experts say that the control is worth it. I am not an expert in these things but I can use an FTP program and that is all you need. Two Wordpress tips would be:
  • Be cautious with the plug ins. There are so many out there that they can be overwhelming. Just take it one step at a time and read, read and read until you find the ones you want to try.
  • Play with themes. There is no way I could write my own but again there are plenty out there for you to try - many of them free of charge. Plenty to get you started at least.
• Start! Write, write and write. It’s a bit like waiting until you can afford it before you start a family - you never will afford it on paper but it all works out. If you wait until you blog is totally ready before you start it may never happen - so just do it- write something.
• Focus! Stick with your topic (now I can hear some of you saying what has this post got to do with Understanding Teenagers - well one thing for sure is that the vast majority of my readers are familiar with blogs, so this one is for them!). Build a reputation as an expert in your field.
• Final tip: leave the rest and learn as you go along. On my learning list is SEO (any tips anyone?) - I am reading about it all, learning as I go along and have extended my vocabulary considerably (trackback, pingback) - but they aren’t essential at this stage.

If you were thinking of starting your own blog then give it a go, start today/this weekend.

Posted: October 4th, 2007 under Communication.
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