In a recent blog post, Aspen Education Group wrote:

“Friends with benefits” is a term today’s teenagers and college students use for couples who have sex but are not romantically in love.

I have been aware of the use of this phrase for quite some time. However, I don’t think I have ever seen it written down or defined. Seeing it in print renewed my unease with the whole concept.

A new study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that such relationships are common. About 60% of 125 students surveyed at Michigan State University reported having had a “friend with benefits” relationship. Only one-tenth of these couples became full-scale romances. About a third stayed friends but stopped having sex, and a fourth broke off altogether. The rest remained “friends with benefits.”

Of course with statistics we never really know how reliable they are when extrapolated [good word?] out to the general population. In real figures that means that out of the 125 surveyed 24 of them are still ‘enjoying’ a friend with benefits situation.

“We found that people got into these relationships because they didn’t want commitment. It was perceived as a safe relationship, at least at first,” Dr. Timothy Levine observed. “But there was this growing fear that the one person would become more attracted than the other.” The couples usually never talked about one subject: their relationships.

And therein lies the two issues : a lack of commitment and an inability to talk about their relationship.

On scales of intimacy, “friends with benefits” score low on passion and commitment.

If they score low on intimacy and passion then it makes me ask the question - ‘why bother’? But then again the answer comes to mind immediately - it’s just an answer I don’t want to acknowledge!

Posted: November 15th, 2007 under Parents, Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
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1. Maintain a daily routine

As much as possible try to follow a set pattern each day. On school days get the family out of bed at the same time, have a shower/bathroom roster, breakfast together, leave the house in good time for school transport. All these little things help young people feel secure and safe.

2. Make a fuss on special days

Go wild on birthdays - help them feel that your family parties like no other. It doesn’t need to take heaps of money - be creative. If it’s winter and likely to snow then make the day a toboggan Olympics or the largest snowman ever, or the snowball fight to end all snowball fights.

Food always works - try the largest banana split in the world (to give you an idea it involves using a clan drain pipe).

3. Include children in decision making

Children begin to feel uneasy, afraid and insecure when they don’t know what is happening. When huge decisions are taken and they feel in the dark. The answer is simple - involve them in the discussion. It will need to be age sensitive but don’t assume they haven’t already worked out something is going on.

4. Affirm their worth regularly

Adolescence is a scary journey and is often riddled with a sense of just not being good enough. If we seek out opportunities to affirm their worth (and take every one we get) then we will be shaping their self esteem - making it more and more healthy. A healthy self esteem equals a happy teenager. And what do happy teenagers make? - happy parents!

5. Encourage parent substitutes in their life.

Home life will be more stable if our teenagers relate well to other caring adults. If they connect with a family member, neighbour or youth worker then that takes some of the parental load, gives another person’s perspective and allows for our teen to (occasionally) raise some issues about us.

6. Keep consistent boundaries

All of us benefit from clear, well defined boundaries even though it seems to be human nature for us to push them a little (as an example car drivers and speed limits). Having said that the key word here is consistent. If there are two parents/adults then it works best if the boundaries have been pre-agreed and don’t vary from one parent to the other. The boundaries need to be the same day in and day out too.

Posted: November 12th, 2007 under Parents, Understanding Teenagers.
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This article provides balance to my earlier post on 7 things teens don’t like about their parents - here are things they DO like:

When parents act naturally

Part of growing up is understanding people, learning how they act and think - observing behaviours as young people try and work out who they are. So they love it when their parents can be real; when they don’t need to act intelligent, or to act strong, or to act calm but to allow them into some of the real conflicts that the adult world provides. When we show emotion, we hug them - just being ourselves.

When parents talk on their level as adults

Transactional analysis shows that we communicate on 1 of 3 basic levels (parent, child and adult) and our teens love it when we talk to them adult to adult. (Now I am the first to admit that it is not always possible to do this when they are acting like children). When we discuss and debater rather than dictate; when we negotiate rather than mandate; when we listen rather than just talk. try it - you will be surprised at how adult they can be (and how hard it is for them to not do what we ask when we ask it in an adult way).

When parents are firm

In contrast to their stated opinion young people love it when the boundaries are clearly stated and we are firm. Of course they will constantly seek to push them and stretch deadlines but they know it is good for them when we stick to our decisions. I don’t mean that we will never negotiate but I do mean we won’t be walked over.

When parents are polite to their friends

I am a firm believer on inviting their friends round to our house as often as possible - we can learn a great deal from knowing which people they hang out with. Whenever I do come into contact with my children’s friends - whoever they are and whatever they look like - I am always polite. It is a respectful thing to do and the opposite is totally unacceptable from your child’s point of view. IF you have issues then you can always talk them through (adult to adult) when the moment arrives - and that is never when the friend is there.

When their privacy is respected

Looking in diaries, walking into bedrooms, listening in to phone calls are NOT options to caring parents. Our teenagers are becoming adults and have a right to expect privacy - not just physically (bedroom, bathroom etc) but emotionally (diary) as well. If we have a concern then we should talk it out not snoop around.

Posted: November 3rd, 2007 under Parents, Understanding Teenagers.
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This is one of 2 posts [the next will be along in 3 days] about what kids do and don’t like in parents - but seeing as human nature finds the negative easier than the positive - I thought I would get the negative stuff out of the way first.

Anger

Of course they realise that parents are human and emotional beings, but they don’t like to see angry parents. Especially if they are angry at each other (Mum and Dad fighting) and it doesn’t help when they are disciplined by a parent in an angry state. Please keep your arguments in private and never tell someone off until you have calmed down.

Negativity

Life can be a struggle for many people, hurdles to jump, mountains to climb - and none more so as they travel through adolescence. At this crucial time in their life they need people who believe in them, will encourage them, spur them on to high and lofty goals - not negative, put down types of people. Always look on the bright side of life!

Nagging

Ancient wisdom states ‘a nagging wife is like a dripping tap’ - a nagging parent in like one too. Now I understand our teens don’t always do as they are told and don’t do it quickly enough but nagging simply doesn’t work. it doesn’t work for them (they may eventually do it but thats despite the nagging) and it doesn’t work for us (we just get stressed).

Inappropriate behaviour

In many ways we are models for our kids so if we do stuff that isn’t appropriate then they will likely follow suit. It is hard to define inappropriate as the circumstances will vary dramatically - but the could include : smoking; smoking more than tobacco;overtly sexual activity in front of your children (and I am a strong advocate for affection between parents - but there are limits) - maybe even continuous computer usage?

Parents acting like teenagers

Sorry but it isn’t cool to try and use all the teen language; or to dress like you were 19 again - other kids think it is amusing our kids know it is plain embarrassing. It is always best to act your age.

Living parents lives through their teenagers

This one is a big one. If you didn’t make it as a doctor, or teacher or rock star or whatever then it is never appropriate for you to expect your children to follow your dream. Let them have their own dream, follow their own destiny.

Favouritism

It is easy (maybe even normal?) to have favourites. Some of our kids are simply more like us - or more like our spouse (the one we loved so much we married!). BUT - it is not the done thing for that favouritism to show. And while we are here it is never acceptable to do the comparison thing either - ‘your grades aren’t as good as your sister’s’ etc.

Posted: October 31st, 2007 under Parents, Understanding Teenagers.
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Nancy Brown, in a recent post entitled Birth Control in Middle School made the following comment.

It amazes me that the same society that sexualizes young girls, sells every product known to humankind with sexuality, and encourages young girls to fixate on their appearance and sex appeal, finds providing the healthcare required by the consequences of those activities inappropriate and a violation of parental rights.

I’ll tell you what is a violation of my rights as a parent - that I cannot protect my children from exposure to sexuality, drugs, alcohol, and smoking without limiting their freedom. All I can do as a parent is talk to them, and mitigate the perception that “everyone” is doing it, and that participation in those risky activities is the way to become popular, successful, and strong.

The concluding paragraph needs to be both applauded and the challenge considered by individuals, groups and society as a whole.

Well said Nancy!

Posted: October 28th, 2007 under Parents, Teenager.
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Stacey raises a very valid point that we often overlook:

But I have to tell you, there are a lot of great kids and teenagers out there, too. Children who care about their families, their goals, their grades, their behaviour, their reputation, their community, their work ethic. Kids who are actively creating a balanced, successful and conscientious life for themselves.

There are heaps of teenagers that want to do the right thing but they get swamped by the high maintenance young people who seem to be constantly pushing the boundaries.

Why not, this week, take a concept that I originally heard of in a business management book where Ken Blanchard talked about trying to find people doing something good. Give that a try with your teenagers - actively look for them doing or saying something positive this week, and when you spot it ensure that you comment on it to them. The benefit will be an improved self esteem, a healthier relationship and greater harmony in your home.

All for free! Juts for noticing and commenting on good behaviour rather than our natural ability to spot errors and mistakes - and we rarely fail to comment on those.

Posted: October 25th, 2007 under Communication, Parents.
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Some time ago (I have just discovered the Connect with Kids blog) Stacey wrote a post entitled Roots and Wings - go check it out. In it she concluded with:

There’s an old saying that “the best gifts we can give our children are roots, then wings.”

Here is our take on the topic:

One very helpful analysis currently popular, describes the role of adults as providing young people with Roots and Wings.

Let me explain: ‘Roots. Young people must have communicated to them a sense of stability, security: a sense of belonging, a sense of identity: a frame of reference, so that who I am is firmly established and what we stand for is firmly defined. The young person also needs Wings. That is, they need to create within themselves a sense of imagination. The Bible says that when people no longer dream dreams or have visions, they perish. It is so important that we get young people to dream dreams; help them to imagine what they could be; help them to conceptualise in their imagination what the future might be if God has his way with them. To dream dreams, to help a child believe in himself.’

When we consider the journey of adolescence we would do well to look into these twin ideas and analyse the extent to which we can give to the young people roots and wings. Then in the light of that examination plan ways in which they can do continue and improve.

Claire Short in her book, ‘Parenting Teenagers’ writes, ‘All too often obsessive protection is confused with love. It isn’t. It can be a totally selfish act by parents, stunting their children’s emotional development and preventing them from coping in today’s society.’ We need to be aware of the dangers of over-protection. By picking up kids at the school - taking them everywhere may, say some psychologists, breed a generation which grows up feeling it is perilous to be independent, without confidence in their own competence they will lack self esteem and the skills to survive and raise a family.

During their teenage years they will be looking for greater and greater independence and your main task is to establish their competence and readiness for the world of adulthood. Security is vital during these developing years and, in our experience, this need for security does not stop when the young person goes off to university. It is helpful to remember that your teenager’s readiness for independence is a sign of success.

NB. Recent research indicates that the parents are still the strongest influence on their adolescent children - despite all the increases in pressure from peers and the media. These secondary influences often shape decisions at a transitory and superficial level, the fashions of the moment, but the long-term development of character, personality and values flows primarily from parents.

Posted: October 22nd, 2007 under Parents.
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Posted: October 19th, 2007 under Parents.
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1 When I was your age ….

Actually it doesn’t matter what you say when you get to that point in the sentence because the young person has already switched off and isn’t listening. In fact, if you have been on the advanced training
course on understanding teenagers, you will be able to read the lcd screen just inside their forehead it will be clearly stating yeah right, whatever.

Seriously though, you probably were never their age well chronologically and numerically you were but when you were their age the world was a totally different place. Research has shown that there are 3 main things missing from society today that were
readily available when I was a teenager and those deficits make the world a different place. [I have written an article about the 3 things]

2. Sticks and stones may break ….

Put another way, don’t worry what other people say to you or say about you because it doesn’t matter. Now I realise that we shouldn’t get our sense of worth from other peoples opinions and if we are being picked on at school or wherever, that we should learn to rise
above it and find coping mechanisms. So, your intention is probably sound it just comes across as ignore them, don’t be so soft, rise above it, or as Australians are fond of saying get over it

3. I will do that for you.

Now I am in trouble with all the teenagers that read this article because that is exactly what they want to hear, but it isn’t good for them. Part of the process of adolescence involves growing up into
responsibilities that previously were undertaken by our parent. Incidentally I blame my mother for not being able to iron, she never taught me now I realise I could learn, but it is easier to learn
when you are younger [well that's my excuse!]

4. For goodness sake, pull yourself together

The teenage years are a time of intense and fluctuating emotions often at the mercy of hormonal change. They may feel from time to time that nobody is in control and that no one understands. If they
feel vulnerable and are in tears the above comment can be read as rejection in a big way. They have not yet achieved a settled identity and part of the emotions is establishing who they are.

5. If you do that one more time Ill …..

OK, I will admit this one can be acceptable but only if you are prepared to actually do what you are threatening them with and can legally carry it out. I am sick of hearing parents in supermarkets
threaten their children with empty threats it generates something in me that wants me to say If I hear you threaten that one more time Ill … Hmm maybe its a natural response but an unacceptable
one nevertheless.

6. When you are older you will understand

Again, this one has truth in it, but it isn’t accepted or understood by the vast majority of young people. In some sense it is an adolescent version of those words we vowed we would never say, but invariably comes out at the end of a list of why questions because I said so. When you are older fits that category in that it doesn’t help the young person understand the argument.

7. Just you wait till Dad gets home

As a Dad this line just sucks. It sets me up as the bad guy in a no win situation and usually results in a request for discipline without adequate information. Either deal with the event as it
happens or tell me about it when I get home just don’t announce that you decided to take the tell me option.

8. You’re Useless
9. If only you were more like your older sister
10. That’s quite good …. For you!
11. You wont manage to do that

These all fall into a similar category, negative words when they should be hearing words of affirmation. Words dependent on their performance when they should be receiving unconditional love.
Affirmation will become the subject of an article on its own in coming month look out for it [and feel free to remind me I said this!]

12. Dads gone away for a few days

In this age of marriage breakdown and parents splitting up it is very difficult to communicate the facts to children, whatever their age. However, lying or pretending are never valid options. As hard
as it will be, it is always better to tell the truth short-term gain for long term pain, or short term pain for long term gain. You know it makes sense!

Posted: October 16th, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager.
Comments: 1

The pressures of society are creating an increase of absent parents. I am not referring to those who are absent through divorced or separation but rather those 2 career families or single parents who are out at work. What can be done when our employment takes us away from the family home for either extended or frequent periods of time. Ultimately we face the choice of changing jobs - but I fully understand that could be a last resort, if it were possible at all. So what can the family do to reduce the stress on the resident teens?

Open communication always works best, so it will be good for you as a family to sit around a table and talk the situation through. Explain the reasoning, the financial implication, the future plans with your son/daughter. They will certainly appreciate you taking them into your confidence and will almost every time respond positively. If, as a family, you recognise it as a difficulty then you will put in the necessary extra effort to make it work.

Keeping your promises is essential. Trust is very difficult to maintain if you frequently say one thing and do another. I (and your teen) will appreciate there are times when things happen - but they should be the exception and not the rule. So, if you are going to be away for 3 days then be home on day 4.

Keeping in contact is so easy - there are no excuses. Depending on your situation I suggest logging onto MSN on your laptop and chatting online, sending a text message to their cell phone, maybe even using a phone to actually speak, or why not be antiquated and post them a card. (If you will be home before the postman delivers it then you could always send it as you go rather than when you arrive - or from time to time write it and leave it in their school bag or under their pillow).

When you are at home - be at home. If you have been away all week then Saturday is not the time to play golf but to spend it with your family. I know, but you also know it’s the best thing. If golf is an absolute essential then why not take the family and teach them how to play?

Occasionally it would be good to make the business trip a family one, or if your child is the right age, take them with you - they will probably think the hotel is great (even though you are probably unimpressed with them and have been for a long time).

Never hurts to bring a present home either - a momento from your trip especially if you go somewhere different, or to bring back a sports item, or photos. Start a family tradition by taking something unique and different (a stuffed animal, a favourite rugby ball (see photo!), a picture, a sculpture or whatever) and take photos with it in unusual places or prominent buildings. A little fun can go a long way. I know someone who stole next doors stone dog that was a door stop and took it on holiday with them and brought it home safe with a photo record of its adventures.

One thing is for sure - if you have to be away then with a little effort you can involve your whole family and reduce the stress and strain.

Posted: October 13th, 2007 under Communication, Parents.
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