Teenagers are social beings and they will often want to invite their friends home as well as go to visit them. They will have a wide range of friendships and it is just a matter of time before you are going to dislike at least one of them. Here are a few thoughts to help you keep things in perspective and to prevent a small issue growing into a big problem.

Your first thing to do is think about why you don’t like the specific person. It could be a case of different personalities clashing - if that’s the reason then I suggest you ignore it. There are many people in the world that we don’t get along with and we need to allow our child to make friends with who they wish. It is part of the journey to adulthood and you don’t have to be friends with everyone they are friends with. As long as they are behaving responsibly then let them be friends - over time you might even get to like them.

Don’t tell your child what you don’t like about their friend - it usually doesn’t help. In fact, often it will bring them closer together rather than push them apart (teenagers can be stubborn you know). It can also put a strain on your relationship with your child - something to avoid for sure.,

If your concern is centred on the friends behaviours then I suggest you focus and comment on your child’s positive behaviours before criticising their friends.

If their friends are getting into trouble then don’t take it out on your kid or automatically assume your kid is going to get into trouble too. It could turn out to be a great learning opportunity. You may need to put some special conditions in place - being supervised, getting home by a certain time, keeping in more regular contact for example, but be careful not to restrict your teen too heavily just because of their friends behaviour.

As you teen gets older they are learning to make their own decisions - including who they have as their friends. The best way to influence their behaviour is to ensure you are one of their friends too!

Posted: November 27th, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
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From time to time it is good to assess where we are as a family, and I just want to provide you with a list of 7 areas that would warrant your consideration. Ask yourself, as openly and honestly as you can - how are we travelling as a family in each of these areas. It is also a good idea to think about each individual member and consider what their response might be. If they are ‘of an age’ then you can ask them directly - it will make for a great dinner table discussion [or a series of discussions!]

So - how are you with:

1. Caring - is there a general caring atmosphere in your family? Who cares for the carers?
2. Respect - is there respect both from younger to older as well as older to younger?
3. Flexibility - are you willing to put yourself out for someone else? Are there individuals who seem to be taking advantage of others by expecting them to flex their way but not the other way round?
4. Expressive - are you able to be open with each other, to celebrate the good times and to brainstorm the difficult times?
5. Responsible - does everyone play their part? Or is it the same person leaving laundry on the floor for someone else to pick up? [Just as an example]
6. Initiating - do you have to tell everyone what to do - e.g. emptying the dishwasher - or do they take the initiative?
7. Realistic - does everyone have a realistic view of each other and of the family as a whole? Or are there some expecting the ‘earth’ - e.g. latest gadgets?

The list is not exhaustive and I am willing to accept additional items - it is just designed to be a conversation starter. Enjoy!

Posted: November 24th, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager.
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Just like a snowflake or a fingerprint, every child is unique in their own special way. Every child has a unique way of feeling, thinking, and interacting with others. Some children are shy, while others are outgoing; some are active, while others are calm; some are fretful, while others are easy-going. As a loving and nurturing parent, it’s your job to encourage them to embrace their uniqueness and celebrate their individual qualities.

Allow your child to express themselves through their interests. They may find a creative outlet in theatre, dancing or art, or they may be exceptionally talented in the sciences. Encourage them to embrace what they like to do, what interests them, and what makes them happy. Help them realize that they don’t need to worry about being ‘like everyone else.’

Teach your child to make positive choices, and praise them for good deeds, behaviours and positive traits they possess. Encourage them to become actively involved in their community, and introduce them to activities that promote a sense of cooperation and accomplishment. Be firm yet fair when handing down discipline for misdeeds or misbehaviours, and make certain the rules and consequences for breaking the rules are clearly defined. Show a cooperative, loving and united front with your spouse when it comes to discipline.

Accept and celebrate your child’s uniqueness. Remember that your child is an individual. Allow your child to have his or her own personal preferences and feelings, which may be different from your own.
And finally, encourage your child to be true to themselves by doing the same. Show your child how to make positive choices with the choices you make, and that nobody is perfect and you too make mistakes. Show your child that mistakes can be a great learning experience, and that they should not be ashamed or embarrassed about making them. .

Posted: November 21st, 2007 under Parents, Teenager.
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Adolescence is a period of rapid physical growth with the result that they are always tired, always hungry, always clumsy, and always irritable. As they grow fast, so they eat a lot. Their emotions are worn-out by physical change, so they become short-tempered and display a tendency to victimise siblings. It is helpful to know that all teenagers are awkward, not just yours. Their bodies are growing so fast their brains have not caught up and so they tend to knock things over and lose the control they had when younger. All in all, change equals stress!

It is at this time when the cry from people is often heard, ‘You clumsy oaf!’ This is not helpful, try to think how your teenager is feeling. She may have enjoyed ballet for a number of years but has suddenly grown to the point where the movements are no longer second nature and are even painful; he may no longer be selected for the football team having always been good at sport and your personal attack may scar him for life. Some young women (and, more rarely, young men) get so anxious about their appearance they take drastic measures to try and change the way they look and may even fall prey to eating disorders. Your love and affirmation will help them through this time. What young people need at this stage in their physical development is understanding.

For some young people physical growth doesn’t happen soon enough. I remember being a ‘late developer’ not becoming an average height until I was 16 years old [thankfully there was one person who was shorter than me!]. Re-read section A - the time for acceptance not criticism.

From my low level I envied all the tall ones. I now realise that they too got teased and called names. Perhaps this is one area of your life, at least for this specific time, that it is a good thing to be ‘just average’.

We suggest keeping a growth chart with dates and heights on, say, the doorpost to the kitchen. It will be a reminder how quickly they are growing and an opportunity to talk about the changes that are taking place. You could even remind them of the time you used to do this when they first started walking. Make it into a family ritual - a fun time.

Posted: November 18th, 2007 under Parents, Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
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In a recent blog post, Aspen Education Group wrote:

“Friends with benefits” is a term today’s teenagers and college students use for couples who have sex but are not romantically in love.

I have been aware of the use of this phrase for quite some time. However, I don’t think I have ever seen it written down or defined. Seeing it in print renewed my unease with the whole concept.

A new study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that such relationships are common. About 60% of 125 students surveyed at Michigan State University reported having had a “friend with benefits” relationship. Only one-tenth of these couples became full-scale romances. About a third stayed friends but stopped having sex, and a fourth broke off altogether. The rest remained “friends with benefits.”

Of course with statistics we never really know how reliable they are when extrapolated [good word?] out to the general population. In real figures that means that out of the 125 surveyed 24 of them are still ‘enjoying’ a friend with benefits situation.

“We found that people got into these relationships because they didn’t want commitment. It was perceived as a safe relationship, at least at first,” Dr. Timothy Levine observed. “But there was this growing fear that the one person would become more attracted than the other.” The couples usually never talked about one subject: their relationships.

And therein lies the two issues : a lack of commitment and an inability to talk about their relationship.

On scales of intimacy, “friends with benefits” score low on passion and commitment.

If they score low on intimacy and passion then it makes me ask the question - ‘why bother’? But then again the answer comes to mind immediately - it’s just an answer I don’t want to acknowledge!

Posted: November 15th, 2007 under Parents, Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
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Nancy Brown, in a recent post entitled Birth Control in Middle School made the following comment.

It amazes me that the same society that sexualizes young girls, sells every product known to humankind with sexuality, and encourages young girls to fixate on their appearance and sex appeal, finds providing the healthcare required by the consequences of those activities inappropriate and a violation of parental rights.

I’ll tell you what is a violation of my rights as a parent - that I cannot protect my children from exposure to sexuality, drugs, alcohol, and smoking without limiting their freedom. All I can do as a parent is talk to them, and mitigate the perception that “everyone” is doing it, and that participation in those risky activities is the way to become popular, successful, and strong.

The concluding paragraph needs to be both applauded and the challenge considered by individuals, groups and society as a whole.

Well said Nancy!

Posted: October 28th, 2007 under Parents, Teenager.
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1 When I was your age ….

Actually it doesn’t matter what you say when you get to that point in the sentence because the young person has already switched off and isn’t listening. In fact, if you have been on the advanced training
course on understanding teenagers, you will be able to read the lcd screen just inside their forehead it will be clearly stating yeah right, whatever.

Seriously though, you probably were never their age well chronologically and numerically you were but when you were their age the world was a totally different place. Research has shown that there are 3 main things missing from society today that were
readily available when I was a teenager and those deficits make the world a different place. [I have written an article about the 3 things]

2. Sticks and stones may break ….

Put another way, don’t worry what other people say to you or say about you because it doesn’t matter. Now I realise that we shouldn’t get our sense of worth from other peoples opinions and if we are being picked on at school or wherever, that we should learn to rise
above it and find coping mechanisms. So, your intention is probably sound it just comes across as ignore them, don’t be so soft, rise above it, or as Australians are fond of saying get over it

3. I will do that for you.

Now I am in trouble with all the teenagers that read this article because that is exactly what they want to hear, but it isn’t good for them. Part of the process of adolescence involves growing up into
responsibilities that previously were undertaken by our parent. Incidentally I blame my mother for not being able to iron, she never taught me now I realise I could learn, but it is easier to learn
when you are younger [well that's my excuse!]

4. For goodness sake, pull yourself together

The teenage years are a time of intense and fluctuating emotions often at the mercy of hormonal change. They may feel from time to time that nobody is in control and that no one understands. If they
feel vulnerable and are in tears the above comment can be read as rejection in a big way. They have not yet achieved a settled identity and part of the emotions is establishing who they are.

5. If you do that one more time Ill …..

OK, I will admit this one can be acceptable but only if you are prepared to actually do what you are threatening them with and can legally carry it out. I am sick of hearing parents in supermarkets
threaten their children with empty threats it generates something in me that wants me to say If I hear you threaten that one more time Ill … Hmm maybe its a natural response but an unacceptable
one nevertheless.

6. When you are older you will understand

Again, this one has truth in it, but it isn’t accepted or understood by the vast majority of young people. In some sense it is an adolescent version of those words we vowed we would never say, but invariably comes out at the end of a list of why questions because I said so. When you are older fits that category in that it doesn’t help the young person understand the argument.

7. Just you wait till Dad gets home

As a Dad this line just sucks. It sets me up as the bad guy in a no win situation and usually results in a request for discipline without adequate information. Either deal with the event as it
happens or tell me about it when I get home just don’t announce that you decided to take the tell me option.

8. You’re Useless
9. If only you were more like your older sister
10. That’s quite good …. For you!
11. You wont manage to do that

These all fall into a similar category, negative words when they should be hearing words of affirmation. Words dependent on their performance when they should be receiving unconditional love.
Affirmation will become the subject of an article on its own in coming month look out for it [and feel free to remind me I said this!]

12. Dads gone away for a few days

In this age of marriage breakdown and parents splitting up it is very difficult to communicate the facts to children, whatever their age. However, lying or pretending are never valid options. As hard
as it will be, it is always better to tell the truth short-term gain for long term pain, or short term pain for long term gain. You know it makes sense!

Posted: October 16th, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager.
Comments: 1

A great book for you to read as a parent, youth worker or carer is The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teenagers you can then pass it on to those young people you care for. It is written by Sean Covey (Stephen’s son for those who have read the world top selling 7 Habits of Highly Effective People).

Sean’s concepts are the same but re-written from a teenager’s point of view, in a really entertaining style. In keeping with the aim of getting teenagers to read it (and follow its principles) the book is full of cartoons (pictures still work for me at my age!), practical ideas, quotes and stories from young people from across the globe. There are a few surprise things along the way too. Wherever you look there are inspiring stories of teenagers who have succeeded in life despite real set backs and hurdles; there are practical guides to take you through the ideas of the 7 habits - putting them into action list format.

Sean grew up with his dad practising the seven habits on the family, so he has learned them thoroughly. The seven habits are:

• be proactive
• begin with the end in mind
• put first things first
• think win-win
• seek first to understand, then to be understood
• synergise
• sharpen the saw.

There is also a section of the alter-habits: ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Defective Teens”, including put last things first etc.

I think the balance is right - humorous yet thoughtful, fun yet practical - why not give it a try?

Posted: October 8th, 2007 under Parents, Teenager.
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Commentators agree that adolescence can be broken down into key stages. Narramore and Lewis, in ‘Parenting Teens’, establish four bands of youth in which distinctive patterns of behaviour can be seen. They label these pre, early, middle and late adolescence. Pre-adolescence, extends from 10 to 12, early adolescence from 13 to 14.

Recognising that cultural change is bringing the actual start-point of adolescence earlier, we have ignored this preparatory stage, and assumed a stage from 11-14, widely acknowledged to be the modern day entry point into ‘teenage years’. Our research indicates an overall lowering of the cultural thresholds of adolescence, so that in practice the issues faced by 16 year olds in, say 1965, will be faced by 11 and 12 year olds today. It is important for parents to recognise this and to be ready for the teenage years to start earlier than was their own experience.

We have identified three stages, equivalent approximately to 11-14, 15-17 and 18-21. Research indicates that these stages are distinguished by the different emphasis on dependency.

Phase 1 Dependent but looking outward:
Discovery and Experiment, from the relative safety of belonging.
Phase 2 Inter-dependent:
Changing feelings and attitudes: Contact with the real world, contradictions of wanting both the freedom of independence and the security of belonging.
Phase 3 Independence:
Consolidation, personal choice, growing responsibilities of independent adult life.

Narramore and Lewis draw a parallel between these adolescent stages and three key stages in the development of an infant, as the totally dependent baby develops the separate identity of a child:
‘The Practising Years’ (10-16 months), when the infant wants to try everything, to experiment, to learn by trial and error.
‘The re-approaching years’ (16-24 months), when the infant makes forays into independence, playing for longer periods alone, etc. but needs a strong, dependent relationship to come back into at will.
‘The Consolidation Years’ (24-36 months), when the infant tries out its new identity as a separate person and learns increasingly to stand on its own two feet.
Dr Bruce Narramore and Dr Vern C Lewis, Parenting Teens, Tyndale 1990

As well as helping to understand adolescence, this parallel also points to an important factor: that often those who have had a difficult time through these stages of infancy will experience similar difficulties in adolescence. Those who enter adolescence with insecurities gained in infancy will often be shaken by those same insecurities as teens.

NB: It is important that these stages are not understood legalistically or rigidly. Different individuals, in different circumstances, will pass through these changes at different speeds, and sometimes unevenly. Boys and girls will tend to change and grow at an uneven pace, and individuals may be at stage 3 in one area of their lives but still hovering between 1 and 2 in another area.

Posted: October 7th, 2007 under Teenager.
Comments: 1

At the time this event occurred Daniel was 10 and Ben was 12 - two brothers, the son’s of our friends. We were visiting their house that night - New Year’s Eve I think (it was a few years ago). The night went really well and it was getting near the time for the boys to go to bed. We were all sitting in the room and I decided to play my question game - the boys agreed.

The game is played quite simply - I ask a question and they give me their answer. I was the only ‘adult’ talking so my wife and their parents were just observers.

The questions started simply:

• What is your favourite subject at school?
• What teacher do you enjoy the most?
• Which teacher do you not like?

Slowly they started to require a little more thinking:

• What would you like to do after school?
• Where would you like to live in later life?
• What profession would you like as an adult?

Then into the deeper aspects of life:

• What is your plan/purpose/dream for your life?
• What are your views on God, religion and life after death?
• What will your wife be like?
• What is your perspective on government policies.

The lads [and I] had a ball! Time came for bed although [as to be expected] they just didn’t want to go.

The best part of the conversation, though, was with the parents after the boys had been settled down. They were astounded at the understanding and insight their sons had.

I understood, of course, that they saw them as their two little boys, remembered them as babies, watched carefully over every step of their life to date. I saw them as 2 young men, aspiring adults, people with views, interests, questions of their own. People of the future not children of the past.

How do you see others?

Posted: October 1st, 2007 under Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
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