In case you hadn’t noticed, parenting teenagers can be a pressure based way of life. Here are 10 things that can cause that pressure - feel free to comment and add your own thoughts to the list:

1. Time
2. Unpredictability
3. Lack of good reasons
4. Outside influences
5. Conflicting demands
6. Uncertainty
7. Guilt
8. Mum/Dad disagreements
9. Anger
10. Money

Not necessarily in any order.

A couple of suggestions - OK so there are 3 …

1. Admit your frustration
2. Read up on parenting
3. Get help!

Posted: December 6th, 2007 under Parents, Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

During the teenage years a young person’s home may resemble a busy railway terminus with people coming and going all the time. Some come only once while others become part of the furniture. You will also note a change during the adolescent years from a child being part of a group to being one of a couple each of the opposite sex. There is no age at which these changes take place and each young person is, of course, different.

These are times of intense and fluctuating emotions. The daughter who tells her parents she has found the man of her dreams and intends to marry him, is just as likely to bring a different boy home a fortnight later and declare the other one, ’sad!’ You will need to know that your young person will often need to be left alone in public, however, we recommend that appropriate hugs do not stop at the onset of adolescence. Obviously you need to choose your times to show affection in this way but hugs are an excellent way to keep parental affection flowing.

There is a lovely story about a Romanian orphanage where the conditions were dreadful and the neglected children were slowly but surely dying. However, the overstretched doctor noticed that on one ward the children were getting better. An investigation was started into the reasons for this change. Was it the nursing care that was making the difference? No, the same nurses were caring for many other wards as well as the one where improvement was seen. Was it the food, perhaps the lighting, the outlook, the way the sun caught this particular ward?

None of these things were found to be unique to this ward. Yet, the children were getting better. So the doctor decided to get up very early one morning and decided to monitor the ward for 24 hours to observe whether there was a lesson to be learned.

The first person to visit the ward that morning was the cleaning lady. She got on her hands and knees and washed the floor but as she got to the first cot she stopped, stood up, picked up the child and held it, cooing and aahing into the little face. After a while she put the child back, got on her hands and knees, went on washing till she got to the next cot. Here the same thing happened, she got up, picked up the child and held it, cooing and aahing into the little face. Then she got back down on her knees and washed the floor.

The doctor realised that this small act of holding the children and showing affection was making the difference for this was the only ward the woman cleaned. There is never a time in our lives when we do not need the flow of affection by physical touch.

Posted: December 3rd, 2007 under Parents, Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

Teenagers are social beings and they will often want to invite their friends home as well as go to visit them. They will have a wide range of friendships and it is just a matter of time before you are going to dislike at least one of them. Here are a few thoughts to help you keep things in perspective and to prevent a small issue growing into a big problem.

Your first thing to do is think about why you don’t like the specific person. It could be a case of different personalities clashing - if that’s the reason then I suggest you ignore it. There are many people in the world that we don’t get along with and we need to allow our child to make friends with who they wish. It is part of the journey to adulthood and you don’t have to be friends with everyone they are friends with. As long as they are behaving responsibly then let them be friends - over time you might even get to like them.

Don’t tell your child what you don’t like about their friend - it usually doesn’t help. In fact, often it will bring them closer together rather than push them apart (teenagers can be stubborn you know). It can also put a strain on your relationship with your child - something to avoid for sure.,

If your concern is centred on the friends behaviours then I suggest you focus and comment on your child’s positive behaviours before criticising their friends.

If their friends are getting into trouble then don’t take it out on your kid or automatically assume your kid is going to get into trouble too. It could turn out to be a great learning opportunity. You may need to put some special conditions in place - being supervised, getting home by a certain time, keeping in more regular contact for example, but be careful not to restrict your teen too heavily just because of their friends behaviour.

As you teen gets older they are learning to make their own decisions - including who they have as their friends. The best way to influence their behaviour is to ensure you are one of their friends too!

Posted: November 27th, 2007 under Communication, Parents, Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

Adolescence is a period of rapid physical growth with the result that they are always tired, always hungry, always clumsy, and always irritable. As they grow fast, so they eat a lot. Their emotions are worn-out by physical change, so they become short-tempered and display a tendency to victimise siblings. It is helpful to know that all teenagers are awkward, not just yours. Their bodies are growing so fast their brains have not caught up and so they tend to knock things over and lose the control they had when younger. All in all, change equals stress!

It is at this time when the cry from people is often heard, ‘You clumsy oaf!’ This is not helpful, try to think how your teenager is feeling. She may have enjoyed ballet for a number of years but has suddenly grown to the point where the movements are no longer second nature and are even painful; he may no longer be selected for the football team having always been good at sport and your personal attack may scar him for life. Some young women (and, more rarely, young men) get so anxious about their appearance they take drastic measures to try and change the way they look and may even fall prey to eating disorders. Your love and affirmation will help them through this time. What young people need at this stage in their physical development is understanding.

For some young people physical growth doesn’t happen soon enough. I remember being a ‘late developer’ not becoming an average height until I was 16 years old [thankfully there was one person who was shorter than me!]. Re-read section A - the time for acceptance not criticism.

From my low level I envied all the tall ones. I now realise that they too got teased and called names. Perhaps this is one area of your life, at least for this specific time, that it is a good thing to be ‘just average’.

We suggest keeping a growth chart with dates and heights on, say, the doorpost to the kitchen. It will be a reminder how quickly they are growing and an opportunity to talk about the changes that are taking place. You could even remind them of the time you used to do this when they first started walking. Make it into a family ritual - a fun time.

Posted: November 18th, 2007 under Parents, Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

In a recent blog post, Aspen Education Group wrote:

“Friends with benefits” is a term today’s teenagers and college students use for couples who have sex but are not romantically in love.

I have been aware of the use of this phrase for quite some time. However, I don’t think I have ever seen it written down or defined. Seeing it in print renewed my unease with the whole concept.

A new study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that such relationships are common. About 60% of 125 students surveyed at Michigan State University reported having had a “friend with benefits” relationship. Only one-tenth of these couples became full-scale romances. About a third stayed friends but stopped having sex, and a fourth broke off altogether. The rest remained “friends with benefits.”

Of course with statistics we never really know how reliable they are when extrapolated [good word?] out to the general population. In real figures that means that out of the 125 surveyed 24 of them are still ‘enjoying’ a friend with benefits situation.

“We found that people got into these relationships because they didn’t want commitment. It was perceived as a safe relationship, at least at first,” Dr. Timothy Levine observed. “But there was this growing fear that the one person would become more attracted than the other.” The couples usually never talked about one subject: their relationships.

And therein lies the two issues : a lack of commitment and an inability to talk about their relationship.

On scales of intimacy, “friends with benefits” score low on passion and commitment.

If they score low on intimacy and passion then it makes me ask the question - ‘why bother’? But then again the answer comes to mind immediately - it’s just an answer I don’t want to acknowledge!

Posted: November 15th, 2007 under Parents, Teenager, Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

1. Maintain a daily routine

As much as possible try to follow a set pattern each day. On school days get the family out of bed at the same time, have a shower/bathroom roster, breakfast together, leave the house in good time for school transport. All these little things help young people feel secure and safe.

2. Make a fuss on special days

Go wild on birthdays - help them feel that your family parties like no other. It doesn’t need to take heaps of money - be creative. If it’s winter and likely to snow then make the day a toboggan Olympics or the largest snowman ever, or the snowball fight to end all snowball fights.

Food always works - try the largest banana split in the world (to give you an idea it involves using a clan drain pipe).

3. Include children in decision making

Children begin to feel uneasy, afraid and insecure when they don’t know what is happening. When huge decisions are taken and they feel in the dark. The answer is simple - involve them in the discussion. It will need to be age sensitive but don’t assume they haven’t already worked out something is going on.

4. Affirm their worth regularly

Adolescence is a scary journey and is often riddled with a sense of just not being good enough. If we seek out opportunities to affirm their worth (and take every one we get) then we will be shaping their self esteem - making it more and more healthy. A healthy self esteem equals a happy teenager. And what do happy teenagers make? - happy parents!

5. Encourage parent substitutes in their life.

Home life will be more stable if our teenagers relate well to other caring adults. If they connect with a family member, neighbour or youth worker then that takes some of the parental load, gives another person’s perspective and allows for our teen to (occasionally) raise some issues about us.

6. Keep consistent boundaries

All of us benefit from clear, well defined boundaries even though it seems to be human nature for us to push them a little (as an example car drivers and speed limits). Having said that the key word here is consistent. If there are two parents/adults then it works best if the boundaries have been pre-agreed and don’t vary from one parent to the other. The boundaries need to be the same day in and day out too.

Posted: November 12th, 2007 under Parents, Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

Many of you will have noticed that young people have developed a skill (or is it an art) of communicating without unnecessary vowels. This trend has been started due to the need to limit the characters in any message to 160 - as set by mobile phone companies.

This has also been carried into the world of Instant Messaging - try your hand at this message and see how you fare:

My smmr hols wr CWOT M8, B4 we used 2go2 LDN 2C my bro, his gf + thr 3 :-0 kids FTF. ILLDN, its a gr8 plc! ATM POS!

I will strategically place a picture here to give you some brain space to think it through without the answer appearing in your line of sight.

So here we go - the full English version:

My summer holidays were a complete waste of time, mate. Before we used to go to London to see my brother, his girlfriend and their three kids face to face. I love London it’s a great place.. At the moment, parent over shoulder.

[The final statement being a caution to their friend to tone down any language and also to let them know the conversation may change a little or slow down]

So - how did you go?

Posted: November 9th, 2007 under Communication, Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

In pre-industrial cultures, the transition from childhood to adulthood was accomplished in a short time span, and often accompanied by a decisive ceremony, such as the Jewish Bar Mitzvah. Nelson Mandela describes in painful detail the day, at sixteen, when he was accepted into adulthood in a traditional ceremony of circumcision. Each boy is trained to cry out, at the very moment of circumcision, ‘Ndiyindoda!’ which means, ‘I am a man!’. The ceremony, over several days, takes place in an isolated place, where special lodges had been constructed to house the 26 young men being initiated at the same time.

Mandela writes: ‘I had now taken the essential step in the life of every Xhosa man. Now I might marry, set up my own home and plough my own field. I could now be admitted to the councils of the community: my words would be taken seriously … At the end of our seclusion, the lodges and all their contents were burned, destroying our last links to childhood, and a great ceremony was held to welcome us as men to society…’

Western society has for the most part lost the remnants of such initiation rites, and has both extended and blurred the gap between childhood and adulthood. The phrase Adolescent was first coined in 1905 by G Stanley Hall, and by the 1950’s the concept of the ‘teenager’ had arrived; a half-child, half-adult creature who hovers uncertainly between dependence and acceptance, and for whom the transition will last for anything from six years upwards. All the signs are that adolescence is getting longer, as children enter the phase sooner, and wait longer, by choice or default, to settle into stable relationships and fixed economic activity.

In this sense it seems fair to describe adolescence as an artificial extension of the initiation process: thus there is work to do in helping young people and parents through it, and in applying Biblical wisdom. The emotional needs of the child are the same as they might be were the initiation process condensed into a short ceremony. Adolescents stand caught between memories of the childhood they now know to be over and prospects of an adulthood in which they have not yet tested out their skills.

They need:

• To know that they belong and are loved, and that the family that has nurtured them to date will still be there for them: not casting them out but helping them to move on.
• To know that there is a place for them in the adult society into which they are being initiated.

At the end of a seminar, a nineteen year old took issue with the presenter for saying teenagers were not adults. She was angry and hurt and asked how dare they make such a statement when she felt strongly that she was in every way an adult and challenged the concept being put forward that teenagers were still children.

When do you think your child became / will become an adult?

Posted: November 6th, 2007 under Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

This article provides balance to my earlier post on 7 things teens don’t like about their parents - here are things they DO like:

When parents act naturally

Part of growing up is understanding people, learning how they act and think - observing behaviours as young people try and work out who they are. So they love it when their parents can be real; when they don’t need to act intelligent, or to act strong, or to act calm but to allow them into some of the real conflicts that the adult world provides. When we show emotion, we hug them - just being ourselves.

When parents talk on their level as adults

Transactional analysis shows that we communicate on 1 of 3 basic levels (parent, child and adult) and our teens love it when we talk to them adult to adult. (Now I am the first to admit that it is not always possible to do this when they are acting like children). When we discuss and debater rather than dictate; when we negotiate rather than mandate; when we listen rather than just talk. try it - you will be surprised at how adult they can be (and how hard it is for them to not do what we ask when we ask it in an adult way).

When parents are firm

In contrast to their stated opinion young people love it when the boundaries are clearly stated and we are firm. Of course they will constantly seek to push them and stretch deadlines but they know it is good for them when we stick to our decisions. I don’t mean that we will never negotiate but I do mean we won’t be walked over.

When parents are polite to their friends

I am a firm believer on inviting their friends round to our house as often as possible - we can learn a great deal from knowing which people they hang out with. Whenever I do come into contact with my children’s friends - whoever they are and whatever they look like - I am always polite. It is a respectful thing to do and the opposite is totally unacceptable from your child’s point of view. IF you have issues then you can always talk them through (adult to adult) when the moment arrives - and that is never when the friend is there.

When their privacy is respected

Looking in diaries, walking into bedrooms, listening in to phone calls are NOT options to caring parents. Our teenagers are becoming adults and have a right to expect privacy - not just physically (bedroom, bathroom etc) but emotionally (diary) as well. If we have a concern then we should talk it out not snoop around.

Posted: November 3rd, 2007 under Parents, Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none

This is one of 2 posts [the next will be along in 3 days] about what kids do and don’t like in parents - but seeing as human nature finds the negative easier than the positive - I thought I would get the negative stuff out of the way first.

Anger

Of course they realise that parents are human and emotional beings, but they don’t like to see angry parents. Especially if they are angry at each other (Mum and Dad fighting) and it doesn’t help when they are disciplined by a parent in an angry state. Please keep your arguments in private and never tell someone off until you have calmed down.

Negativity

Life can be a struggle for many people, hurdles to jump, mountains to climb - and none more so as they travel through adolescence. At this crucial time in their life they need people who believe in them, will encourage them, spur them on to high and lofty goals - not negative, put down types of people. Always look on the bright side of life!

Nagging

Ancient wisdom states ‘a nagging wife is like a dripping tap’ - a nagging parent in like one too. Now I understand our teens don’t always do as they are told and don’t do it quickly enough but nagging simply doesn’t work. it doesn’t work for them (they may eventually do it but thats despite the nagging) and it doesn’t work for us (we just get stressed).

Inappropriate behaviour

In many ways we are models for our kids so if we do stuff that isn’t appropriate then they will likely follow suit. It is hard to define inappropriate as the circumstances will vary dramatically - but the could include : smoking; smoking more than tobacco;overtly sexual activity in front of your children (and I am a strong advocate for affection between parents - but there are limits) - maybe even continuous computer usage?

Parents acting like teenagers

Sorry but it isn’t cool to try and use all the teen language; or to dress like you were 19 again - other kids think it is amusing our kids know it is plain embarrassing. It is always best to act your age.

Living parents lives through their teenagers

This one is a big one. If you didn’t make it as a doctor, or teacher or rock star or whatever then it is never appropriate for you to expect your children to follow your dream. Let them have their own dream, follow their own destiny.

Favouritism

It is easy (maybe even normal?) to have favourites. Some of our kids are simply more like us - or more like our spouse (the one we loved so much we married!). BUT - it is not the done thing for that favouritism to show. And while we are here it is never acceptable to do the comparison thing either - ‘your grades aren’t as good as your sister’s’ etc.

Posted: October 31st, 2007 under Parents, Understanding Teenagers.
Comments: none